Just to get started, some background. My partner and I are both educators in somewhat individual fields. I'm a special education teacher starting my 40th year in education this year. My partner is an ASL (American Sign Language) instructor at the college level with 30 years experience. We met in Hawaii 8 years agot the 20th of this month. Started living together 8 years ago next Feb28th. we've both been married and have 5 kids between us. Me ex wife and kids think he is great and Carl is an honorary grandpa to my first grandchild due in Oct.

More recently Carl has been sick for several months. Not enough to stop work but pretty tired and was losing weight. He went to the Dr. in late March and was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). but the Dr. really never told us what to do so we got on the web and started following diets remedies and back to different Doctors because it just seemed like more.  Colonoscopies (yes plural) ultrasounds were done and he always got negative results and no treatment plan. Meanwhile his stomach continued to cramp and he was in the bathroom every two hours or so. At night my moving in bed would cause pain. He said he felt like a ball of water was there and movement made it hurt. Back to the Drs.

In August we tried his Dr. again and continued to explain what the symptoms were. Oh did I mention Carl is Deaf? I would go to sign and ask question at most appointments. I'm not an interpreter. Anyway he finally referred us to another specialist who did another colonoscopy (negative) and then a CT scan (the second of these) but with barium this time. That was last Friday August.23rd. Carl was not feeling well over the weekend and his urine (his pee don't think I want to get to formal here) was getting darker and I encouraged him to drink more fluids.

8/26/13
On Monday I went off to work for the first day of the school year. Carl had four more weeks of summer break. He called (text) me about 12:30 to say he was going to the Dr and that his pee was like Coffee. this was his GP and she took some samples and had them done in 20 minutes. She sent him to the ER. He texted me again and asked me to meet him there. When I got there the ER had taken more labs and done an ultrasound. His barium levels were still high form Friday, not a good thing. About 7:30 they transported him to OHSU, I went home knowing they were not going to get much done overnight.

8/27
After calling in to work I headed to the hospital. I met Carl being wheeled down to ultrasound and went with him. we watched, and obviously could not tell a a thing unless the name of the organ was typed on the screen. they were marking and measuring object(s) on the screen. The operator was a trainee but the head guy came in took just a few more pictures and off we went. Mostly it is sitting and waiting for someone to come and tell us something. I went to get lunch and Carl fell asleep. When I got back he had been given the news he had cancer. Pancreatic Cancer. Shocked doesn't do it. I was all prepared for gall bladder surgery since that was one of the organ on the ultra sound. By then though Carl had looked it up on the internet and not a good cancer to get. General rule 5% survival rate in 5 years. that afternoon they took him in for surgery, not cancer surgery, but to remove some blockages of the bile ducts and put a shunt in to drain the extra fluid that had back up, Yes there was a water-ball, well liquid-ball, kinda ugly looking stuff. His pain was greatly relieved. that was Tuesday, He slept well. I got lost driving home.

8/28
Carl had contacted his family and I went to work Wed morning do to a special ed in-service I though I should attend and I needed to talk to my bosses, yes plural. Sped director and Principal were both great. Back to OHSU. BTW they got  an interpreter for us. Really nice especially when big groups were there or specialist had to report. I just can't keep up with that. Too much finger-spelling. I did get to talk to one Dr who had found the tumor on the utrasound (officially found, the technicians really found it). He came in and was pretty low as were we. He would not give a clear answer to prognosis etc but I did push, I did not sign the answers to Carl. At that point he did say the cancer had involved some blood vessels and areas around the pancreas. I then told him we had looked up the diagnosis and knew prognosis was poor and was he telling me it was worse then the internet said, answer "yes". He left and I debated with myself for a while but finally told Carl what he had said. we hugged and basically digested the info..  I left the Hospital a little and headed home about 8 nearly gettting lost again. Plans were in motion and Carl's Family, Mom, Dad, one sister on Thursday and the other sister on Saturday. She's downstairs as I type this today.

That trip  is where writing this came to mind. I kept thinking about things we had planned. I'm retiring in two years and Carl was going to the guide on a trip to Europe. He was born in the Netherlands, speaks and writes dutch and understand written German and French. I of course am a typical american and understand English. Well a bit of sign so a little bi-lingual. So tears came as I realized they might never happen. don't know if this was feeling sorry for myself, Carl or both of us. I can still travel even if he won't be there but would I could I? don't know. Right now in my thoughts now, no, it's done and its sad nearly to tears to type this, but also a relief to talk even to even anonymous people how I feel. It is hard sometimes especially now with his parents and sister here and I can't follow their sign and of course then can talk to me, conundrum maybe?